A mutual recently reached out to me in private, asking how I figured out I was trans. This is probably poorly written and a bit rambly, but I figure I'd share this more widely in case it helps others.
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A mutual recently reached out to me in private, asking how I figured out I was trans. This is probably poorly written and a bit rambly, but I figure I'd share this more widely in case it helps others. The "growing up trans in denial" thread may be a good supplemental read. ( https://thegayagenda.fans/notes/ahz2t59acjjr015j )
Just a warning that I have a really shit memory on account of ADHD and SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory), so I'm sure I've forgotten parts of the journey.
I only realized I'm trans as I was approaching my 30s. I didn't really have much of any (good) knowledge about what being trans meant, or spending time in queer community until maybe just over a half-decade ago. If I had experience or knowledge about either earlier in my life, maybe I'd have figured things out earlier - I don't know.
The spark that started setting things in motion to help me figure things out was back at the beginning of COVID lockdown. I blew through the days playing games and whatever until I couldn't anymore, and then I was stuck with my thoughts. If I wasn't living with my partner, I might've gone stir-crazy.
Eventually, getting stuck with myself without a distraction to keep my thoughts at bay led to a lot of self-reflection. I didn't yet have any inklings about queerness, but I realized there was a lot about myself I didn't like, that I wanted to work on.
Around 2022, I started to immerse myself in neurodivergent communities on Twitter, which (unsurprisingly) had a large overlap with queer community. I started following and interacting with more queer, trans, gay, non-binary, lesbian entities. I started breaking down the toxic preconceived notions I had grown up with thanks to assholes at school, mainstream media, etc. I started to question where I fit on the gender spectrum, and I was heavy in denial about the possibility of being trans, so I took on a non-binary identity. I slowly started blurring the lines of my masculinity into femininity. The facade of my forced masculinity, trying to fit a mold I was never meant to, started to drop.
I spent the next two years pushing my own boundaries, feeling that non-binary wasn't quite right, trying to discover myself more. At one point, I made a post about not feeling comfortable trying other pronouns like she/her, making a comparison to cultural appropriation. I feel like I had to earn the privilege to use them, somehow. A friend encouraged me to try them out in a smaller environment before using them more widely. I tried out she/her, and when friends started using them to refer to me, it felt right. It felt incredible. This is when it started to come together.
It wasn't until mid/late 2024 that I finally broke through the denial and came to terms with myself that I'm trans, that I'm a woman.
It took me another few months of thinking things over before deciding that I wanted to pursue HRT. I reached out to my local trans support group, and they set me up an appointment with a doc for affirming care, and that's how I've been on Estradiol since Jan 22, 2025.
Once I started breaking down the denial, things started moving really quickly for me, holy shit. Once I tried the things I was scared to try, it felt right, and every step I've taken since has only affirmed that. I've felt more at home in my body than I ever have. Realizing I was trans helped break the 'give a fuck' gatekeeper in my head, and helped me let myself be true to myself rather than trying so damn hard to fit that mold that was never meant for me. Hell, it had a near-immediate effect on my confidence and self-image, too. -
A mutual recently reached out to me in private, asking how I figured out I was trans. This is probably poorly written and a bit rambly, but I figure I'd share this more widely in case it helps others. The "growing up trans in denial" thread may be a good supplemental read. ( https://thegayagenda.fans/notes/ahz2t59acjjr015j )
Just a warning that I have a really shit memory on account of ADHD and SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory), so I'm sure I've forgotten parts of the journey.
I only realized I'm trans as I was approaching my 30s. I didn't really have much of any (good) knowledge about what being trans meant, or spending time in queer community until maybe just over a half-decade ago. If I had experience or knowledge about either earlier in my life, maybe I'd have figured things out earlier - I don't know.
The spark that started setting things in motion to help me figure things out was back at the beginning of COVID lockdown. I blew through the days playing games and whatever until I couldn't anymore, and then I was stuck with my thoughts. If I wasn't living with my partner, I might've gone stir-crazy.
Eventually, getting stuck with myself without a distraction to keep my thoughts at bay led to a lot of self-reflection. I didn't yet have any inklings about queerness, but I realized there was a lot about myself I didn't like, that I wanted to work on.
Around 2022, I started to immerse myself in neurodivergent communities on Twitter, which (unsurprisingly) had a large overlap with queer community. I started following and interacting with more queer, trans, gay, non-binary, lesbian entities. I started breaking down the toxic preconceived notions I had grown up with thanks to assholes at school, mainstream media, etc. I started to question where I fit on the gender spectrum, and I was heavy in denial about the possibility of being trans, so I took on a non-binary identity. I slowly started blurring the lines of my masculinity into femininity. The facade of my forced masculinity, trying to fit a mold I was never meant to, started to drop.
I spent the next two years pushing my own boundaries, feeling that non-binary wasn't quite right, trying to discover myself more. At one point, I made a post about not feeling comfortable trying other pronouns like she/her, making a comparison to cultural appropriation. I feel like I had to earn the privilege to use them, somehow. A friend encouraged me to try them out in a smaller environment before using them more widely. I tried out she/her, and when friends started using them to refer to me, it felt right. It felt incredible. This is when it started to come together.
It wasn't until mid/late 2024 that I finally broke through the denial and came to terms with myself that I'm trans, that I'm a woman.
It took me another few months of thinking things over before deciding that I wanted to pursue HRT. I reached out to my local trans support group, and they set me up an appointment with a doc for affirming care, and that's how I've been on Estradiol since Jan 22, 2025.
Once I started breaking down the denial, things started moving really quickly for me, holy shit. Once I tried the things I was scared to try, it felt right, and every step I've taken since has only affirmed that. I've felt more at home in my body than I ever have. Realizing I was trans helped break the 'give a fuck' gatekeeper in my head, and helped me let myself be true to myself rather than trying so damn hard to fit that mold that was never meant for me. Hell, it had a near-immediate effect on my confidence and self-image, too.Also, I'm generally happy to answer questions about this in this thread. Even if you think a question may not be appropriate, let me be the judge of that. I'll tell you if I feel uncomfortable answering something.
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Also, I'm generally happy to answer questions about this in this thread. Even if you think a question may not be appropriate, let me be the judge of that. I'll tell you if I feel uncomfortable answering something.
I'm embarrassed that some time after transition and coming out, 'trans' still felt like somewhat of a dirty word that I didn't like to say.
I wish the internalized bullshit were so easy to shake, but in my case, it wasn't. It's not an issue these days, but I certainly still had some shame associated with some things.
On a more positive note, and as a bonus, here's the post (imported from a previous instance) where I told Fedi about an exciting revelation.
https://thegayagenda.fans/notes/a1su9e6w1tnjim6u -
I'm embarrassed that some time after transition and coming out, 'trans' still felt like somewhat of a dirty word that I didn't like to say.
I wish the internalized bullshit were so easy to shake, but in my case, it wasn't. It's not an issue these days, but I certainly still had some shame associated with some things.
On a more positive note, and as a bonus, here's the post (imported from a previous instance) where I told Fedi about an exciting revelation.
https://thegayagenda.fans/notes/a1su9e6w1tnjim6u@maddy@thegayagenda.fans I feel like we all have internalized narratives about what being a woman, a man, or a trans person means. Lord knows, I did/do, and it was one of the the things that kept me from transitioning for years. We all need to recognize that these internal narratives come from a highly controlling cis/patriarchal culture, and one of the ways we grow and understand is by challenging our own assumptions. Not only is this not easy, it's not quick, but we all happily hold on to old narratives which feed into self-doubt and worse. It takes time for us to create something new as we let go of the old. There is no shame in growth, girl. We all need to do more of it.
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