When your therapists tell you that you have the tools, they are often right.

When your therapists tell you that you have the tools, they are often right. This evening I managed to apply my tools and prevent myself from spiraling.

Let me explain.

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I tend to emotionally distance myself in moments of stress. An easy way to do this is dissappear in a game that requires lots of rational thinking. My game of choice these days is Captain of Industry, but Satisfactory, Factorio, Cities Skylines, Civilization or similar will work just as amazing. In the past I sort of started to feel bad when I did this for the wrong reason, but that pushed me further into the game and ignoring what I was feeling.

2/6

Not good, and with hindsight a very obvious reason why I walked around with depression for so long.

The last couple of days I have been falling into the same pattern. But now I was able to recognize what was happening. Unfortunately, I was unable to stop it. This fed into another old pattern, of becoming angry with myself and deciding I need to become more strict with myself. Doing this reinforces the feeling that what I am doing is wrong.

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And instead of dealing with it, I try harder to dissappear into the game. A cycle is born!

Eventually I did remember that I have tools to deal with these cycles. The need to be strict is enormous, because that is how I learned to deal with it as a kid. But healthier is to be kind and to be curious. Mistakes are made, old patterns will resurface, and that is okay. I have learned my coping skills over decades, unlearning these and learning healthy coping skills require time and effort.

4/6

I managed to slow myself down, take some deep breaths, and stop punishing myself. My kindly curious self reflection showed that the why has to do with being scared of responsibility and accountability. Because those things have often lead to emotional pain and rejection of who I am. Knowing this I can take care of my own needs. Tell myself that is indeed scary, that playing a computer game does indeed feel way safer, and that in the long run it is better to be responsible and accountable.

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