I often worry that I'm doing something that annoys people, at work, at home, online, on the bus anywhere... and they are just going to be annoyed but never explain to me what I'm doing that's so annoying.
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@futurebird Why does this sound like it's actually me?
(I mean I've had this happen a bunch of times.)
I think this happens to introverts more, and the less expert your social skills the more it's likely to be you.
Do you think that applies? It does for me.
My social skills are very ... synthetic, none of it comes easily. I kind of follow the recipes of how to be nice, they do mostly work, but it's very baffling.
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I think this happens to introverts more, and the less expert your social skills the more it's likely to be you.
Do you think that applies? It does for me.
My social skills are very ... synthetic, none of it comes easily. I kind of follow the recipes of how to be nice, they do mostly work, but it's very baffling.
@futurebird Yeah, I was partially doing the "it me!" post. It's absolutely an introvert thing I would assume fairly common.
I'm with you 100% on all this really. I generally don't like talking about people behind their backs and what very few times I ever tried to do it just to fit in it went specularly badly anyway.
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend.
I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that.
But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them.
"Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)
2/2
This is all true. But I also try not to get too worked up when I find out others have been talking about me behind my back, provided it's not too outrageously malicious. I figure people do that all the time about everybody and it's not worth worrying over.
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@futurebird Yeah, I was partially doing the "it me!" post. It's absolutely an introvert thing I would assume fairly common.
I'm with you 100% on all this really. I generally don't like talking about people behind their backs and what very few times I ever tried to do it just to fit in it went specularly badly anyway.
In college a group of girls in my year (really good-looking popular kids) decided that I "thought I was better than them" when I was really intimidated by them and apparently talked about this for months before someone brought it up with me "why do you hate Jane, Jill and Julie so much? I think it's awful how you treat them."
I was so shocked and sad that I made everything awkward by going right over to them and asking what was going on.
And we ended up being friends?????
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In college a group of girls in my year (really good-looking popular kids) decided that I "thought I was better than them" when I was really intimidated by them and apparently talked about this for months before someone brought it up with me "why do you hate Jane, Jill and Julie so much? I think it's awful how you treat them."
I was so shocked and sad that I made everything awkward by going right over to them and asking what was going on.
And we ended up being friends?????
I'm still confused by all of this.
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This is all true. But I also try not to get too worked up when I find out others have been talking about me behind my back, provided it's not too outrageously malicious. I figure people do that all the time about everybody and it's not worth worrying over.
Sometimes I wish I could be as complex, devious, and imperious as the imaginary person they have decided I am.
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In college a group of girls in my year (really good-looking popular kids) decided that I "thought I was better than them" when I was really intimidated by them and apparently talked about this for months before someone brought it up with me "why do you hate Jane, Jill and Julie so much? I think it's awful how you treat them."
I was so shocked and sad that I made everything awkward by going right over to them and asking what was going on.
And we ended up being friends?????
@futurebird Wow. I couldn't have done that last part I don't think.
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend.
I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that.
But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them.
"Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)
2/2
@futurebird i feel this big time. and i then feel even worse when i continuously tell people to let me know if i am overstepping or being a bit too intense.
they rarely do, then eventually the blowup happens, then i find myself over correcting in an attempt to not reopen the same wounds.
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Sometimes I wish I could be as complex, devious, and imperious as the imaginary person they have decided I am.
"Grovel before me, peons, lest I cast my withering gaze upon you!"
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend.
I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that.
But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them.
"Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)
2/2
@futurebird I struggle with this one. Sometimes there are people in the community who are just not gonna change a certain type of behavior, and the behavior is annoying but not, y'know, criminal. I can see why people want to complain behind the back of that person; it helps them cope with someone who they want to maintain friendly relations with. Still makes me uncomfortable, though, and I usually don't unless the framing is "how do I better cope with the thing that won't change."
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend.
I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that.
But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them.
"Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)
2/2
@futurebird yes. and i continually need to re-learn which folks just need someone to listen to their complaints. my natural tendency is to then say: how can we fix this? but (and it still surprises me), this seems to just add another problem to the person’s list? learning learning learning…
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@futurebird I struggle with this one. Sometimes there are people in the community who are just not gonna change a certain type of behavior, and the behavior is annoying but not, y'know, criminal. I can see why people want to complain behind the back of that person; it helps them cope with someone who they want to maintain friendly relations with. Still makes me uncomfortable, though, and I usually don't unless the framing is "how do I better cope with the thing that won't change."
@futurebird also, sometimes I do things I am not interested in changing. For example, I am unusually comfortable with directly confronting authority figures, and this makes some people super uncomfortable. They perceive it as arrogant and stirring up trouble. And sometimes they have a point! Sometimes it would be much better if I shut up. But I don't want to change that one, and I'm not really interested in hearing criticism about it.
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@futurebird also, sometimes I do things I am not interested in changing. For example, I am unusually comfortable with directly confronting authority figures, and this makes some people super uncomfortable. They perceive it as arrogant and stirring up trouble. And sometimes they have a point! Sometimes it would be much better if I shut up. But I don't want to change that one, and I'm not really interested in hearing criticism about it.
@futurebird (at least not in the "be more deferential to men so you don't poke their ego" sense, which it's often related to)
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I'm still confused by all of this.
Some years ago, somebody hipped me to the whole Ask v Guess thing, which explained a •lot• of the communication fails I've experienced. More recently, a friend put me onto "Occult Grammar", which seems possibly even more explanatory. (The meat starts in the 2nd part, but Part 1 has some good framing, incl a link to the original explanation of Ask v Guess.)
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend.
I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that.
But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them.
"Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)
2/2
@futurebird I have a friend who is very good at listening to venting and deflecting gossip. She responds with empathy, focusing on the emotion(s) of the person she's talking to rather than on the behaviour of the target. She doesn't talk about the third person at all.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that; it must have been (painful, embarrassing, annoying... )" -
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