A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child.
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I'm not saying you should let your kids scream at people & throw things, but there is a lot of daylight between "that's not an appropriate way to treat someone else" & "you are not supposed to ever be noticeably angry."
Also AuDHD, and I still struggle with this. Anger tends to mean I burst into tears, which is literally the worst for me. It's consistently read wrong by others, especially at the doctor's office and then they ask if I want a psych. It's like "No, I want a doctor who listens and isn't demeaning. If I have to wade through your office losing files, not filing for required appointments and infantilizing me one more time I'm going to lose it."
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A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child. If so, you should find it & get it back."
I'm entirely serious about that. A lot of us were trained as kids that the people in charge of us could be angry, but we needed to be quiet & submissive in the face of "authority".
No. Your anger is yours. Your anger is powerful. Find it. Harness it. Direct it.
It was taken from you because it gives you power.
@artemis
Yessss! This! -
N Marianne shared this topic
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A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child. If so, you should find it & get it back."
I'm entirely serious about that. A lot of us were trained as kids that the people in charge of us could be angry, but we needed to be quiet & submissive in the face of "authority".
No. Your anger is yours. Your anger is powerful. Find it. Harness it. Direct it.
It was taken from you because it gives you power.
@artemis every 'angry feminist' should recognise this one..!
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A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child. If so, you should find it & get it back."
I'm entirely serious about that. A lot of us were trained as kids that the people in charge of us could be angry, but we needed to be quiet & submissive in the face of "authority".
No. Your anger is yours. Your anger is powerful. Find it. Harness it. Direct it.
It was taken from you because it gives you power.
@artemis this. Thank you! Harnessing it, and directing it well/appropriately being vitally important, of course.
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A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child. If so, you should find it & get it back."
I'm entirely serious about that. A lot of us were trained as kids that the people in charge of us could be angry, but we needed to be quiet & submissive in the face of "authority".
No. Your anger is yours. Your anger is powerful. Find it. Harness it. Direct it.
It was taken from you because it gives you power.
@artemis when i get angry, shit breaks. so i try to avoid it. to me it's not power. it is loss of control.
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@artemis when i get angry, shit breaks. so i try to avoid it. to me it's not power. it is loss of control.
@lritter
I hear you, & I do relate. For me, that feeling of loss of control is why I want to become more acquainted with & comfortable with it, because I feel like I'm inexperienced with healthy anger. The only time I let myself feel anger is in those moments where it feels wild & out of control.I'm hopeful that I can become better "friends" with it. When I am feeling sad, I'm able to sit & try to understand myself. When I feel angry, I try to shut it off, & I don't think it's serving me
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@lritter
I hear you, & I do relate. For me, that feeling of loss of control is why I want to become more acquainted with & comfortable with it, because I feel like I'm inexperienced with healthy anger. The only time I let myself feel anger is in those moments where it feels wild & out of control.I'm hopeful that I can become better "friends" with it. When I am feeling sad, I'm able to sit & try to understand myself. When I feel angry, I try to shut it off, & I don't think it's serving me
@artemis when i get angry i mentally go through the four movements of beethoven's 9th symphony. the first movement: that's him getting angry. over and over. finding no rest.
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Emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, but they *are* powerful. Especially anger. It has some uses we need right now.
Many of us were literally told there were things we were *not allowed* to be angry about. That is authoritarian control. People "above you" do NOT get to tell you what you may or may not be angry about.
@artemis That's exactly what happened to me too. I was a very calm child, but that's because I quickly understood and integrated the fact that shows of negative emotions had no place in our household and if I was angry then I was the problem.
This made me a depressed teen and unstable young adult, and it took years of therapy to get rid of the layers of bullshit and tame the ball of burning, seething anger that I felt was my core.
Repressing emotions can be so damaging to a child, people have no idea.
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@Lily_and_frog
If you do wish to elaborate later, I would love to hear more!It sounds like your approach aligns with what I am trying to understand better in myself. I like to approach my emotions with curiosity & understanding. I find this doesn't make the emotion go away, but it means I don't feel as "out of control" or overwhelmed.
Okay, I'll try to explain my life philosophy in a very short way, and link it with anger.
Let's start with general, self evident, stuff worth stating clearly.
1. Everything has causes and effects.
2. We're the result of evolution. Evolution doesn't seek optimal condition, just survival. In fact, evolution doesn't "seek" anything, it just is. If something alive can reproduce, whether perfect or not, it will reproduce.
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Okay, I'll try to explain my life philosophy in a very short way, and link it with anger.
Let's start with general, self evident, stuff worth stating clearly.
1. Everything has causes and effects.
2. We're the result of evolution. Evolution doesn't seek optimal condition, just survival. In fact, evolution doesn't "seek" anything, it just is. If something alive can reproduce, whether perfect or not, it will reproduce.
This means we are living in an imperfect world, and we are imperfect beings. "Perfection" is a human construct and doesn't exist outside of human imagination. Our imagination is so amazingly powerful that we can effortlessly imagine a better state of things, optimal states, and tend towards it. Why can we do that? An accident that helps survival.
We can also do suboptimal stuff that doesn't stop us surviving too much.
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This means we are living in an imperfect world, and we are imperfect beings. "Perfection" is a human construct and doesn't exist outside of human imagination. Our imagination is so amazingly powerful that we can effortlessly imagine a better state of things, optimal states, and tend towards it. Why can we do that? An accident that helps survival.
We can also do suboptimal stuff that doesn't stop us surviving too much.
We have old survival reflexes that were useful shortly after our ancestors started to dwell on land, but are a bother, without killing us, in a social animal.
Plus, natural selection acts both at the individual and group level. A behaviour benefiting the individual in the group (selfishness) will doom the group of there's too much of it. Altruism, cooperation, empathy all make groups stronger.
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We have old survival reflexes that were useful shortly after our ancestors started to dwell on land, but are a bother, without killing us, in a social animal.
Plus, natural selection acts both at the individual and group level. A behaviour benefiting the individual in the group (selfishness) will doom the group of there's too much of it. Altruism, cooperation, empathy all make groups stronger.
Humans have the capacity to learn, which is adapting their behaviour and reasoning to certain given situations. Some better than others. And the reasons for it is neurology (imagine ALL the factors affecting neurology, I'm thinking ASD and ADHD) or experience (one cannot learn stuff they've never been exposed to, or the conditions of learning), or even a learning useful in one situation but detrimental in another.
- Everything has a cause -
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Humans have the capacity to learn, which is adapting their behaviour and reasoning to certain given situations. Some better than others. And the reasons for it is neurology (imagine ALL the factors affecting neurology, I'm thinking ASD and ADHD) or experience (one cannot learn stuff they've never been exposed to, or the conditions of learning), or even a learning useful in one situation but detrimental in another.
- Everything has a cause -
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@lritter
I hear you, & I do relate. For me, that feeling of loss of control is why I want to become more acquainted with & comfortable with it, because I feel like I'm inexperienced with healthy anger. The only time I let myself feel anger is in those moments where it feels wild & out of control.I'm hopeful that I can become better "friends" with it. When I am feeling sad, I'm able to sit & try to understand myself. When I feel angry, I try to shut it off, & I don't think it's serving me
Losing control is not an inherent part of anger. It's what happens when you mix anger with dissociation, checking out
You can learn how to be present when you are angry, so that you are 100% in control, and also feeling the anger
It might be easiest to do this by starting with noticing when you are just a little bit angry -- also known as irritated, annoyed, bothered -- and being present with that small amount of anger
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Losing control is not an inherent part of anger. It's what happens when you mix anger with dissociation, checking out
You can learn how to be present when you are angry, so that you are 100% in control, and also feeling the anger
It might be easiest to do this by starting with noticing when you are just a little bit angry -- also known as irritated, annoyed, bothered -- and being present with that small amount of anger
@NilaJones @artemis true.
anger wise i am a closed hihat. little bit of steam. no crashing.
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@urbanfoxe
I am such a huge fan of things that help kids recognize & understand their emotional experience. Learning that from a young age is transformational.Yes!
It meant the world to me when I was a kid and I would be feeling something, and my mom would put a name on it
It was wonderful to be understood, and to know that what I was feeling was something that everybody experiences. That's why there's a word for it!
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A few days ago I posted, "you may have had your anger stolen from you as a child. If so, you should find it & get it back."
I'm entirely serious about that. A lot of us were trained as kids that the people in charge of us could be angry, but we needed to be quiet & submissive in the face of "authority".
No. Your anger is yours. Your anger is powerful. Find it. Harness it. Direct it.
It was taken from you because it gives you power.
@artemis "Angry is good. Angry gets shit done." (let's not throw out the baby with the bath water).
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So it's now my job as an adult to figure out what a healthy relationship to anger would actually look like.
@artemis I wanna murder those that abused me does that count as a healthy relationship to anger
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@artemis I wanna murder those that abused me does that count as a healthy relationship to anger
@artemis I get really pissed when someone I care about is hurt, and wanna murder those that abused those I love
I don't care about hearing the side of the story of those that abused someone I care about when I get to witness the consequences of it. I will beat the hell out of them if I ever see them. There's no justification for knowingly giving someone PTSD.
Is that healthy
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Riiight.
Anger is an emotion. We have no direct control on emotions, they're reflexes, reactions, to events (no, yoga master, fuck off, we CAN'T. Oh, you say you can? After how many decades of rigorous training?).
What makes us angry is when
- Other people step on our boundaries or hurt us.
- When other people or things don't act according to our preconceived ideal.
- It's worse when it's sudden, unexpected and in the midst of confusion.
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