New post, and this one's definitely one of my weirder ones: it's about how most of the tech industry shows symptoms of something that looks like gender dysphoria.

@iris_meredith That pitch was 100% on-point, I am sold already

@iris_meredith I have used similar language to describe some of my own problems with the tech industry and my personal life and honestly I want to say a whole lot more but it's way too upsetting and personal.

To put it mildly, you're definitely on to something here.

@iris_meredith Good stuff, really good. Thanks!

@iris_meredith fuck, this hits hard.

I would also include all the brilliant minds working hard on giving us depression from computers.

I saw a random comment on Reddit: ... many smart people tie their inherent value to their professional contribution. I can relate. AuDHD, I live and sleep in a constant mild to high strees, it takes high effort to not escape discomfort from the real world and inside my head. SwE allows it plus the validation that I exist. But this validation is my output.

@iris_meredith this is really interesting. my take as an autistic person (obviously there are a lot of us in tech) is when you lack proprioception, your bodily needs often don't become apparent until they're physically painful, and I can imagine the mindset that would keep meal replacement shakes on hand so they can go back to hyperfocussing on programming or videogames or whatever. and the more emotionally disregulated you are, the worse it gets, and I think a lot of tech bros are wallowing in a pit of self-hatred and online toxicity so it's a vicious cycle

@iris_meredith If I'd focus on one aspect only.

I started to work in tech in 2000, IT crowd was in basements, away from real people, we were geeking out with a bunch of nerds, life was fun.

Fast-forward, and billionaires like Thiel and Brin telling employers that 60 hours a week is the "sweet spot" and Thiel wannabes tell me to "inspire" team to work 60h/week also leading by example.

@iris_meredith yeah, well put. it's always a delicate line trying to analyze the motivations of large groups of people like this, and you walked it carefully.

@iris_meredith I think I meant interoception, not proprioception

@iris_meredith Can confirm considerable cognitive dissonance between what I think creates value in the world and what "tech" is asked/made to build most of the time.

Can also confirm strong conflicts of this line of work with needs of body and soul. Some of that applies to any desk job, I think. On top of that, there's definitely many people who invest most of their free time to "stay on top" of developments (which of course normalizes that behaviour and creates expectations of techies to always know their way around the new stuff).

And _of course_ we make up narratives in an effort to make all of that make sense. How could we go on otherwise?

Are these narratives more malleable in tech than elsewhere? Interesting thought. "Strong opinions loosely held" _is_ a meme, and adjusting opinions in the face of evidence _is_ a strength (imho).

Problem is: There's so little science behind software "engineering" it's almost embarrassing. I can see how in a field of low-evidence best practice, any new idea can shift opinions with little evidence in turn. Not sure how that's necessarily related to the cognitive dissonance / dysphoria line of thought, though.

@iris_meredith I would also add that while definitely many loud people jump on hype trains in tech -- maybe because of some internal malleability as you propose, maybe out of cynical financial tactics -- it's not been my impression that _most_ people follow along, not really. Most people seem to just keep doing their jobs; keeping your head down and letting the hype pass is in many ways safer (and easier) compared to voicing loud disagreement with the Cool Kids.

Come to think of it, _that's_ a lesson nerds learn in school, isn't it? Go along, shut up, or be isolated.

@iris_meredith oh... oh so that's why things went the way they did. we didn't even connect some of our experiences to gender dysphoria despite having known that we're trans for over 8 years now. okay.

@iris_meredith we're still kinda working on the whole having desires and such again. honestly I think a fair amount was also crushed out of us by the realities of capitalism. things we legitimately wanted seemed completely unattainable.

@iris_meredith A really thoughtful post. I think it makes sense.

I am definately going to need to read it a few more times.

@iris_meredith Imo the common denominator here, as you mentioned several times in the piece, is repressed feelings and societal pressure. Geeky/nerdy types — and I count myself among them — were often not allowed to express themselves as kids, and told to enjoy things they simply didn't. I'm obviously not saying it's the same, but... sound familiar? Being taught that your feelings aren't valid and that others dictate what you like is quite an awful blueprint for a healthy emotional life

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@iris_meredith

The result is sad, but now, they're adults who need to take responsibility for their actions. A position of power and change, which is especially true of people working in AI, also comes with responsibility and accountability.

That's my take, anyway

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@iris_meredith fascinating observations (thanks a lot for sharing your experience of gender dysphoria as a trans person!) and well written, thank you so much for writing!

I do relate to some of it, having alexithymia definitely doesn't help with embodiment.

But I also kept wondering if a lot of this is the oppression of the increasingly fascist hypercapitalism in big tech? I've been working in much more feminine startups in London and people and culture in these companies are much more healthy and humane.

@iris_meredith humanity dysphoria

@iris_meredith This is brilliant, and very much gives voice to many issues I've been grappling with lately -- and connects them to larger trends in tech.

For me, the issue was not gender dysphoria (I'm fine with my original plumbing), but I still struggled with all the symptoms of dysphoria you mention -- feeling disconnected, not knowing what I wanted, alienation from my body, alienation from my work. Not feeling like *me*.

Turns out there was a critical part of me that I sent away long ago, because there simply wasn't a safe place for it in this world. For various complicated reasons, that part of me strongly identifies as a horse. (Yes, species dysphoria is a thing.) Which makes a lot of sense in your thesis -- horses are deeply embodied and sensous creatures, so it makes sense that part of my soul latched on to it.

The past few months have been all about connecting and celebrating that part of me. Alas, transitioning is off the table, but there are many other outlets that let it shine.

@iris_meredith There are two fantasy tropes that I keep coming back to: the Horcrux (from Harry Potter) and Recission (from The Golden Compass).

Both involve a splitting of the soul. In the horcrux, the soul is split to hide part of it away, for survival. In recission, half the soul is destroyed. Both create monsters.

Long ago, I chose the path of the horcrux. I sent half my soul away to go live with the horses, because the other option was recission and soul death. I still remember doing it, too. Soul magic is weird. And I spent the next decade disconnected from myself.

But I'm thankful, too. Because that part of me managed to survive, even if hidden. And now that I've rediscovered it, I've found something else -- that part of me was my heart. Something I was sorely missing. And something that our industry seems to have forgotten.

I love living from my heart. I love feeling it in my chest. I love trusting that it knows what it wants. It's wonderful. ️